Let's get this out of the way now. There are quite a few things wrong with me; lack of tact, arthritis, inability to grow up, my tendency to go on a diatribe when it doesn't really call for it, etc... As Jay-Z might say, I got 99 problems, but hypothyroidism ain't one. OK, he would never say that. Frankly, I shouldn't have either, but I'm going to leave it in anyway. That is my gift to you.
Like I said yesterday, I have no real health related reason to do this other than it's a lazy way to lose a few pounds quickly. I get to lose weight by not exercising and I don't REALLY starve? SOLD! While kale may be disgusting, I have had no adverse reactions to it.
Day 5:
Today was a good day. I made a juice with my wife this morning that has pretty much been my go to "healthy" juice of the week. Grapes, kale, ginger, carrots and apple. This time I added some spinach and it was still pretty good. The reason for this is I get paid on Fridays, and we were running low on actual fruits in the house. I had been sent out previously in the week to stock up on *blech* kale. We finished up the swamp water she had mixed together last night and we had enough for the both of us to use my tasty drink as a chaser and I had enough to bring to work for lunch.
It's funny how when I make juices without a recipe they are usually very tasty, but when she makes them...well...I don't want to call it an atrocity...they're just really bad. I think the reason for this is because she is used to the healthy recipes she has read about and used in the past, while I am unencumbered by such knowledge and am free to experiment. Mixing fruits with vegetables is bad? Pfft, I don't care as long as it's tasty.
Went to work today and my minions and I had a chat...oh, that's right...I HAVE MINIONS! OK, they're not REALLY minions. they're just people who saw yesterday's blog and were curious. I have a few coworkers who are actually going to go buy juicers. I don't want to steer them in the wrong direction so I am going to make sure they do exactly what I don't. They should prepare before their fast, they should consult with a doctor if they are planning an extended fast, and they should look up the side effects, recipes, and testimonials that are out there in the juicing community. Lucky for me, my wife loves doing all that stuff. It allows me to be lazy and ride her coat tails all the way to a slimmer me.
Back to work. Cravings were down tremendously today. headache was gone. Either all of the BVO (Brominated Vegetable Oil) is out of my system, or that's a crock of shit and I have finally kicked the caffeine habit. Nothing a coworker offered me looked really appetizing today. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. It's good that I don't feel the pull of the chewables, but it's bad if I am becoming one of those people who post how these type of diets changed their life. I don't want to be that guy, I just want to be slightly thinner when I cozy up to the dinner table with a pound of bacon in front of me.
Speaking of thinner...today I tried on a shirt that has been tight pretty much since I bought it, and it fit comfortably. That was huge for me. The gut that has been stopping me from wearing my dapper waistcoats and dashing newish clothes is going away. That is my ultimate goal, to be able to wear the stuff I already have and not need to visit a new haberdashery.
After the day went by without a hitch, I went to the grocery store and picked up more produce than I have ever bought at one time before. I think in the last two weeks I have bought more fruits and vegetables than I have in the last 2 years. Tonight's experiment was broccoli, celery, carrots, apple, and tomato with a touch of garlic chili paste. Notice I successfully avoided the kale! It was alright, but without the hot sauce, it was fairly bland and boring. I also poured myself a cup of no sodium beef broth. The only reason I did this, was to find a way to get protein into my system and still not chew or add additional carbs.
So day five is behind me. I have followed the plan (such that it is) so far and have not eaten anything solid. I have lost a total of 9 lbs over these 5 days (9 1/2 at one weigh in today) and still intend on going strong. Although there IS a birthday party this weekend. It's a 2 ish hour drive away (100+ miles for those who aren't from northern New England) and there will be cake. I have been assured it is not a lie.
Will our hero be able to resist the siren's song of that crafty confection? Or will he be pounded into sugary submission? Tune in for next week's episode..."Juicing for Sarcastic, Lazy, Slightly Overweight People Who Don't Care To Diet" or "Fast and Furious: The Next Generation"
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