So it's been a while since I posted anything on here, mainly because I haven't had anything to rant about. Let's see if we can change that, shall we?
So here I am day 20ish into a 30 day juice fast. I say "ish" because I have had a couple cheat days. The first one I have already documented. The second was on day 13 and spilled over into day 14. My wife and I had decided we wanted to cook something last weekend, so we went to the store and bought our weekly juice items. This time around, however, we also bought healthy things to grill and chew. That consisted of pre-made stuffed mushrooms, some boneless chicken thighs, and a bunch of vegetables to roast. We bought a small portion and figured that it would feed us plenty. We were mistaken in our appetites. After eating the half dozen stuffed mushrooms, we barely had room for half of the chicken and vegetables that we had prepared. Luckily for me, I enjoy leftovers.
The third cheat day was the 4th of July. We went to a party and, although we brought juice with us, I wasn't content to simply stare at the food. My wife was picky about what she allowed herself, and ate sparingly. I, on the other hand, did not. I had quite a few nacho chips with some pretty fantastic dips. Had a few pretzel sticks with hummus, and had grilled chicken kebobs. That food would have been considered an appetizer before the juice fast, so I am fairly thankful that I am doing this diet thing, if only for the fact that I can now eat less before feeling like I am about to burst.
Normally I would break down my experiences here by day, but I really can't be bothered with all of that tonight. Not to mention the fact that it would consist mostly of me saying, "Day X: a whole lot of fuck all happened."
Week 2:
People at work have started to get used to me doing the whole juice fast thing and have stopped offering me food. That's a huge bonus right there, since now I am less likely to throttle them for offering me a piece of pizza. My coworkers are being slightly more interested in the concoctions I bring in, mostly because the juice tends to look disgusting, and no matter how much I tell them that I have included enough fruit to make it palatable, they insist they could never do it.
Week 3:
This week was super easy. I'm in between 2 cheat days that are probably a little closer together than they should be, so it makes not eating the cake that was sitting in the break room a lot easier. I've noticed that the juices I make are way better at the beginning of the week when I have a large supply of fruit to offset the palate crushing greens. The end of the week, not so much. We've had to resort to some pretty creative recipes. Today was probably a juice I would not try to recreate...ever. It was kale, spinach, carrots, a couple green apples, half a lemon, celery, and some ginger. That's pretty standard green juice stuff. Then we added a couple cloves of garlic and a full beet. What came out was a garlic-y nightmare that had the color and consistency of pig's blood. Great if you see a woman with a fur coat, or if you need to ruin a prom. Not so good if you have to drink it.
I have discovered that cantaloupe is a tasty addition to any juice, and that if a recipe calls for blending in an avocado, but you don't have a working blender...mashing the avocado and then mixing it in by hand is not a suitable alternative.
So as of tonight, I have not had any soda of any kind in 20 days. This is very surprising to anyone who knows my previous levels of Mt. Dew consumption. I have also lost a total of 19 lbs. On my cheat days, I did not gain anything, and had even lost a pound by the next time I weighed in. So I get to be lazy and drink my meals and do no exercise while losing damn near a pound a day.
Also, on a side note...
A lot of juicing people will tell you that if you juice for any extended period of time, you need to work your way back to real food. You start out with broths and then work your way up to salads and fruits and eventually back to proteins and pretty much everything else deliciously terrible for you. My wife has experienced a few of the side effects of jumping in too early on our cheat days and has vowed to never be that bad again while we're juicing. I...have not. I have had no bad effects from my cheat day shenanigans. It might be that I haven't been doing this as long as her, or because I have an iron stomach. I like to think that it is due to the long years of me ingesting things that are really nothing more than flavored preservatives packaged in sodium. I am willing to bet that after my thirty days are complete, I could eat at KFC and have no adverse reaction. I would say Taco Bell, but I haven't met anyone who doesn't have a bad reaction to that food.
Anyway, it's time for me to end for the night. I will try to keep writing as the inspiration hits me. In the mean time, don't be afraid to comment or share this with the world, or your neighbor, or the person next to you, or your cats...whoever. I'm not trying to convert anyone, if you enjoyed this, and think someone else will too, then the more the merrier.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Fast and Furious: The Next Generation
Well, as you can see by the title, I was not able to resist the delicious, delicious cake. We will get to more on that as we continue, but I just wanted to spare you some suspense. In the meantime, here is an update. This week I started my week of early shifts at work. This has already made my mornings a bit more rushed as I need to make sure I am up in time to juice, clean the juicer, drink and bottle my breakfast and lunch, wake up my kid, change him, wake up the wife, and hand the baby off to her with time to spare for a shower and the drive in to the office. Doing that this morning made me decide to juice the next day's batch the night before. "But aren't you worried about having unpasteurized juice overnight?" Do what now? I'm sure that if I was going to die from juicing, it would have been apparent by now.
Day 6:
Work was pretty easy. Made it through the day on juice full of fruits and some spinach and some other goodies. It was tasty enough. When I got home I had a glass of the juice I had made on day five...too watery and tomato-y to be good, but it kept me full for the night and that was all that really mattered. My wife had left during the day to get a head start for the birthday party that was 2 hours away, so I had the house alone that night. I kept myself occupied with gaming and movies so I wouldn't be tempted with the food in my house. The cravings have been pretty non-existent at this point, but I still don't really want to tempt myself.
Day 7:
This was the day of the party. I woke up bright and early, getting a bit too little sleep. Made a quick juice of carrots, a lemon, an orange, and some ginger. This was instantly WAY too sour for me so I had to add an apple to cut it back. With my breakfast made, my shower taken and a bottle for lunch, I embarked on the two hour drive north. I made it up north just in time to see my wife finishing the a batch of tiny cakes inside tiny ice cream cones. Already I could tell it was going to be a rough day.
After she finishes frosting and decorating the tiny cone cakes, we packed them up and headed to the party. We are a little late, so thankfully most of the easy snacks had been eaten by the many children running around. We put the tiny cakes down, passed the kid around, and she casually said to me, "go ahead, have something to eat."
I WAS UNLEASHED! I grabbed a plate and filled it up like a man possessed! I couldn't even tell you where I was finding all of this food, but I soon had a pile that was half as wide as the plate and had a bag of chips hanging from my teeth...Just kidding.
I had a few of the cake cone things. Each one was about 2 bites of cake, so that wasn't going to set me back too far. There were some burgers cooling on the stove from earlier in the party. I picked one up in my hand, grabbed a napkin and proceeded to eat it like a cookie for a while, no condiments or bun, just the delicious beef. I went back for another one shortly before we left the party. I had a small cup full of the more healthy looking pasta salad, and I managed to stay away from any soda or lemonade, choosing to stick with my water instead.
When we got out of the party, I realized I had consumed a small fraction of what I normally would have at a shindig such as this and was moderately proud of myself, even though my wife and I had pretty much had an impromptu cheat day. We spent a few hours with her family before heading back home. The problem with staying out so late, was that we started our 2 hour drive shortly before 7. We had a screaming son in the back and so I decided that since we had already cheated, we might as well go for it. I pulled in to Burger King to get one of those smoothie things, as sort of a healthier alternative to just stopping and grabbing a soda. Then the two of us split a small fry and a 4 piece nugget.
All of this food had probably been the best I had ever had. Even the nuggets were tasty. The best part, is that my stomach handled all of this food perfectly. No feeling sick, no cramping or fear of the body rejecting the food. I just felt fuller, sooner. Which is a good thing.
Day 1(8):
Today was, like I said earlier, a little harder to be motivated in the morning. I threw together a juice of kale and spinach...and then promptly hid those flavors by juicing a couple apples, blueberries, grapes and strawberries. It didn't make as much as I had hoped it would, but I didn't have time to fight with the juicer for any remaining juice, nor did I have time to wash more produce. I made it to work on time (barely) and managed to get through the day without any cravings. Those started when I came home.
Today was the day I had to go to the store to buy more carrots and restock us up on leafy greens. Walking though the store wasn't bad, but stepping into my house, knowing that I have burgers in the freezer just waiting to go on the grill, and a bag of nachos on the counter (still mocking me) ready to have a block of cheese grated onto them and then melted in the oven. This knowledge really made it hard to make my wife and I a carrot, kale, green apple, ginger, spinach and lemon dinner.
What is keeping me going tonight, is the fact that although I didn't feel any ill effects from the food I had over the weekend, that food was probably better than anything I have lurking in my house, waiting for me to slip up. That coupled with the fact that even though I slipped, I still started the day today weighing less than I did on day 6, really kept me focused.
Sorry this post wasn't as florid as some might be expecting at this point. It's been a long weekend and I am fairly exhausted. Don't worry, I shall return as my normal, slightly manic, self tomorrow with tales of day 9.
Day 6:
Work was pretty easy. Made it through the day on juice full of fruits and some spinach and some other goodies. It was tasty enough. When I got home I had a glass of the juice I had made on day five...too watery and tomato-y to be good, but it kept me full for the night and that was all that really mattered. My wife had left during the day to get a head start for the birthday party that was 2 hours away, so I had the house alone that night. I kept myself occupied with gaming and movies so I wouldn't be tempted with the food in my house. The cravings have been pretty non-existent at this point, but I still don't really want to tempt myself.
Day 7:
This was the day of the party. I woke up bright and early, getting a bit too little sleep. Made a quick juice of carrots, a lemon, an orange, and some ginger. This was instantly WAY too sour for me so I had to add an apple to cut it back. With my breakfast made, my shower taken and a bottle for lunch, I embarked on the two hour drive north. I made it up north just in time to see my wife finishing the a batch of tiny cakes inside tiny ice cream cones. Already I could tell it was going to be a rough day.
After she finishes frosting and decorating the tiny cone cakes, we packed them up and headed to the party. We are a little late, so thankfully most of the easy snacks had been eaten by the many children running around. We put the tiny cakes down, passed the kid around, and she casually said to me, "go ahead, have something to eat."
I WAS UNLEASHED! I grabbed a plate and filled it up like a man possessed! I couldn't even tell you where I was finding all of this food, but I soon had a pile that was half as wide as the plate and had a bag of chips hanging from my teeth...Just kidding.
I had a few of the cake cone things. Each one was about 2 bites of cake, so that wasn't going to set me back too far. There were some burgers cooling on the stove from earlier in the party. I picked one up in my hand, grabbed a napkin and proceeded to eat it like a cookie for a while, no condiments or bun, just the delicious beef. I went back for another one shortly before we left the party. I had a small cup full of the more healthy looking pasta salad, and I managed to stay away from any soda or lemonade, choosing to stick with my water instead.
When we got out of the party, I realized I had consumed a small fraction of what I normally would have at a shindig such as this and was moderately proud of myself, even though my wife and I had pretty much had an impromptu cheat day. We spent a few hours with her family before heading back home. The problem with staying out so late, was that we started our 2 hour drive shortly before 7. We had a screaming son in the back and so I decided that since we had already cheated, we might as well go for it. I pulled in to Burger King to get one of those smoothie things, as sort of a healthier alternative to just stopping and grabbing a soda. Then the two of us split a small fry and a 4 piece nugget.
All of this food had probably been the best I had ever had. Even the nuggets were tasty. The best part, is that my stomach handled all of this food perfectly. No feeling sick, no cramping or fear of the body rejecting the food. I just felt fuller, sooner. Which is a good thing.
Day 1(8):
Today was, like I said earlier, a little harder to be motivated in the morning. I threw together a juice of kale and spinach...and then promptly hid those flavors by juicing a couple apples, blueberries, grapes and strawberries. It didn't make as much as I had hoped it would, but I didn't have time to fight with the juicer for any remaining juice, nor did I have time to wash more produce. I made it to work on time (barely) and managed to get through the day without any cravings. Those started when I came home.
Today was the day I had to go to the store to buy more carrots and restock us up on leafy greens. Walking though the store wasn't bad, but stepping into my house, knowing that I have burgers in the freezer just waiting to go on the grill, and a bag of nachos on the counter (still mocking me) ready to have a block of cheese grated onto them and then melted in the oven. This knowledge really made it hard to make my wife and I a carrot, kale, green apple, ginger, spinach and lemon dinner.
What is keeping me going tonight, is the fact that although I didn't feel any ill effects from the food I had over the weekend, that food was probably better than anything I have lurking in my house, waiting for me to slip up. That coupled with the fact that even though I slipped, I still started the day today weighing less than I did on day 6, really kept me focused.
Sorry this post wasn't as florid as some might be expecting at this point. It's been a long weekend and I am fairly exhausted. Don't worry, I shall return as my normal, slightly manic, self tomorrow with tales of day 9.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Cinco de Juico OR I can't speak Spanish...
Let's get this out of the way now. There are quite a few things wrong with me; lack of tact, arthritis, inability to grow up, my tendency to go on a diatribe when it doesn't really call for it, etc... As Jay-Z might say, I got 99 problems, but hypothyroidism ain't one. OK, he would never say that. Frankly, I shouldn't have either, but I'm going to leave it in anyway. That is my gift to you.
Like I said yesterday, I have no real health related reason to do this other than it's a lazy way to lose a few pounds quickly. I get to lose weight by not exercising and I don't REALLY starve? SOLD! While kale may be disgusting, I have had no adverse reactions to it.
Day 5:
Today was a good day. I made a juice with my wife this morning that has pretty much been my go to "healthy" juice of the week. Grapes, kale, ginger, carrots and apple. This time I added some spinach and it was still pretty good. The reason for this is I get paid on Fridays, and we were running low on actual fruits in the house. I had been sent out previously in the week to stock up on *blech* kale. We finished up the swamp water she had mixed together last night and we had enough for the both of us to use my tasty drink as a chaser and I had enough to bring to work for lunch.
It's funny how when I make juices without a recipe they are usually very tasty, but when she makes them...well...I don't want to call it an atrocity...they're just really bad. I think the reason for this is because she is used to the healthy recipes she has read about and used in the past, while I am unencumbered by such knowledge and am free to experiment. Mixing fruits with vegetables is bad? Pfft, I don't care as long as it's tasty.
Went to work today and my minions and I had a chat...oh, that's right...I HAVE MINIONS! OK, they're not REALLY minions. they're just people who saw yesterday's blog and were curious. I have a few coworkers who are actually going to go buy juicers. I don't want to steer them in the wrong direction so I am going to make sure they do exactly what I don't. They should prepare before their fast, they should consult with a doctor if they are planning an extended fast, and they should look up the side effects, recipes, and testimonials that are out there in the juicing community. Lucky for me, my wife loves doing all that stuff. It allows me to be lazy and ride her coat tails all the way to a slimmer me.
Back to work. Cravings were down tremendously today. headache was gone. Either all of the BVO (Brominated Vegetable Oil) is out of my system, or that's a crock of shit and I have finally kicked the caffeine habit. Nothing a coworker offered me looked really appetizing today. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. It's good that I don't feel the pull of the chewables, but it's bad if I am becoming one of those people who post how these type of diets changed their life. I don't want to be that guy, I just want to be slightly thinner when I cozy up to the dinner table with a pound of bacon in front of me.
Speaking of thinner...today I tried on a shirt that has been tight pretty much since I bought it, and it fit comfortably. That was huge for me. The gut that has been stopping me from wearing my dapper waistcoats and dashing newish clothes is going away. That is my ultimate goal, to be able to wear the stuff I already have and not need to visit a new haberdashery.
After the day went by without a hitch, I went to the grocery store and picked up more produce than I have ever bought at one time before. I think in the last two weeks I have bought more fruits and vegetables than I have in the last 2 years. Tonight's experiment was broccoli, celery, carrots, apple, and tomato with a touch of garlic chili paste. Notice I successfully avoided the kale! It was alright, but without the hot sauce, it was fairly bland and boring. I also poured myself a cup of no sodium beef broth. The only reason I did this, was to find a way to get protein into my system and still not chew or add additional carbs.
So day five is behind me. I have followed the plan (such that it is) so far and have not eaten anything solid. I have lost a total of 9 lbs over these 5 days (9 1/2 at one weigh in today) and still intend on going strong. Although there IS a birthday party this weekend. It's a 2 ish hour drive away (100+ miles for those who aren't from northern New England) and there will be cake. I have been assured it is not a lie.
Will our hero be able to resist the siren's song of that crafty confection? Or will he be pounded into sugary submission? Tune in for next week's episode..."Juicing for Sarcastic, Lazy, Slightly Overweight People Who Don't Care To Diet" or "Fast and Furious: The Next Generation"
Like I said yesterday, I have no real health related reason to do this other than it's a lazy way to lose a few pounds quickly. I get to lose weight by not exercising and I don't REALLY starve? SOLD! While kale may be disgusting, I have had no adverse reactions to it.
Day 5:
Today was a good day. I made a juice with my wife this morning that has pretty much been my go to "healthy" juice of the week. Grapes, kale, ginger, carrots and apple. This time I added some spinach and it was still pretty good. The reason for this is I get paid on Fridays, and we were running low on actual fruits in the house. I had been sent out previously in the week to stock up on *blech* kale. We finished up the swamp water she had mixed together last night and we had enough for the both of us to use my tasty drink as a chaser and I had enough to bring to work for lunch.
It's funny how when I make juices without a recipe they are usually very tasty, but when she makes them...well...I don't want to call it an atrocity...they're just really bad. I think the reason for this is because she is used to the healthy recipes she has read about and used in the past, while I am unencumbered by such knowledge and am free to experiment. Mixing fruits with vegetables is bad? Pfft, I don't care as long as it's tasty.
Went to work today and my minions and I had a chat...oh, that's right...I HAVE MINIONS! OK, they're not REALLY minions. they're just people who saw yesterday's blog and were curious. I have a few coworkers who are actually going to go buy juicers. I don't want to steer them in the wrong direction so I am going to make sure they do exactly what I don't. They should prepare before their fast, they should consult with a doctor if they are planning an extended fast, and they should look up the side effects, recipes, and testimonials that are out there in the juicing community. Lucky for me, my wife loves doing all that stuff. It allows me to be lazy and ride her coat tails all the way to a slimmer me.
Back to work. Cravings were down tremendously today. headache was gone. Either all of the BVO (Brominated Vegetable Oil) is out of my system, or that's a crock of shit and I have finally kicked the caffeine habit. Nothing a coworker offered me looked really appetizing today. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. It's good that I don't feel the pull of the chewables, but it's bad if I am becoming one of those people who post how these type of diets changed their life. I don't want to be that guy, I just want to be slightly thinner when I cozy up to the dinner table with a pound of bacon in front of me.
Speaking of thinner...today I tried on a shirt that has been tight pretty much since I bought it, and it fit comfortably. That was huge for me. The gut that has been stopping me from wearing my dapper waistcoats and dashing newish clothes is going away. That is my ultimate goal, to be able to wear the stuff I already have and not need to visit a new haberdashery.
After the day went by without a hitch, I went to the grocery store and picked up more produce than I have ever bought at one time before. I think in the last two weeks I have bought more fruits and vegetables than I have in the last 2 years. Tonight's experiment was broccoli, celery, carrots, apple, and tomato with a touch of garlic chili paste. Notice I successfully avoided the kale! It was alright, but without the hot sauce, it was fairly bland and boring. I also poured myself a cup of no sodium beef broth. The only reason I did this, was to find a way to get protein into my system and still not chew or add additional carbs.
So day five is behind me. I have followed the plan (such that it is) so far and have not eaten anything solid. I have lost a total of 9 lbs over these 5 days (9 1/2 at one weigh in today) and still intend on going strong. Although there IS a birthday party this weekend. It's a 2 ish hour drive away (100+ miles for those who aren't from northern New England) and there will be cake. I have been assured it is not a lie.
Will our hero be able to resist the siren's song of that crafty confection? Or will he be pounded into sugary submission? Tune in for next week's episode..."Juicing for Sarcastic, Lazy, Slightly Overweight People Who Don't Care To Diet" or "Fast and Furious: The Next Generation"
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Fast and Furious
I want to start this post with the sentiment that has been sticking with me all week long. Kale is evil. For those of you who do not know what kale is, kale is a leafy green that folds in on itself a lot. It reminds me of parsley that's gotten out of hand.
You might be asking yourself why I am suddenly writing about the alignment of produce. You might also be asking yourself what an alignment is(if you don't know, you might be on the wrong blog). The reason I am suddenly discussing this is because I am just finishing up day 4 of a juice fast. This is something my wife has done in the past and wanted to do again. So, to support her in this, we bought a juicer...then I agreed to join her in boycotting chewing things.
A bit of back story on me: I am not what I would call "fat" but I am not exactly as slim as I would like to be. Laziness and a penchant for fried, extremely tasty foods have left me with more pounds than I really know what to do with, I have been drinking a steady stream of mountain dew for the last 13 years or so, and I really enjoy bacon and everything you only find when fair season comes around.
I have had no preparation for this endeavor. I did no homework. I watched no documentaries. You can count all the fucks I give about spirituality through fasting on zero hands. I am strictly doing this to support my wife and so I don't have to buy new pants.
Let's go through this day by day.
Day 1:
Woke up in the morning and finished the last can of Mt Dew I had remaining in my house. Attempted to postpone my fate by saying "we also need to eat all of the remaining nacho chips and guacamole that is sitting in the fridge." That didn't work. Currently I have an unopened bag of Santita's sitting on my counter. Mocking me.
Then, we went to the store. Got a whole bunch of stuff we thought we would like, or knew that we needed. Then went home and ran the juicer for the first time. Now, this is not a top of the line juicer. This was the least expensive one we could find that had decent reviews. I'm actually pretty surprised at how well this thing performs. We prepped our vegetables and ran the ingredients through the extremely loud, miniature jet engine that now resides on our counter. Celery, carrots, ginger, apples, half a lemon, and my nemesis. This was my first experience with the green menace. I want to be able to tell you all that it wasn't as bad as I expected. I want to be able to tell you that the juice was surprisingly tasty. Those would both be bold faced lies, and I feel that you deserve better.
The kale was overbearing, the apples didn't sweeten it up enough, the carrots were lost beneath the ginger. All I could taste was kale and I wanted to die. We choked it down and later on in the day we tried another recipe for swamp water which was slightly more bearable. I had a pretty crazy headache at the end of the day because I had been replacing my normal caffeine intake with stuff like water...and health. Other than the headache, I felt pretty good. I was ready to try new things and blah blah blah.
Also, at the end of the day, I was able to walk into the grocery store, buy a cart full of produce, and go home without having any type of snack fall into the cart. This was a good start for me.
Day 2:
OH. MY. GOD. I. WANT. FOOD.
That's my entire thought process for most of day 2. If any of you decide to try this, avoid anything on TV or radio or movies until you get past this phase, because everything you see will make you want that food RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
Day 2 is where I didn't just get to stay at home with the support of my wife. Day 2 was the day I went to work. I work in an office. My office building has a wonderful little cafe on the first floor that will make wonderful things such as fried shepherd's pie. Also, I work in an office where apparently people can't go for more than 10 minutes without cramming something into their face hole.
All day long I was bombarded by the scents of all of those things I couldn't have...basically anything that requires teeth. Also, my headache came back with a vengeance. A few Advil took care of it, but it wasn't pretty.
In the morning my wife attempted a grapefruit and carrot juice that she enjoys. I took a sip and almost started wishing for kale. It's not because I enjoy the taste of kale more than grapefruit, it's just that grapefruit unlocks the secret bitter taste buds that don't really appear for me in any other food I eat. To me, grapefruit is a Mjolnir of bitterness to the face.
I choked down a glass of the stuff and created my own lunch combo. It ended up being blueberries, grape, apple and orange. This was tasty as hell and I enjoyed it at work that day. It allowed me to make it through the rest of the afternoon and get home to something called "Mean Green". I won't go into detail here because juicers love this drink. It is in every juice blog, and every juice recipe book. What I will say to the non-juicers is: Stay the fuck away from mean green.
Day 3:
That morning I woke up after having food dreams. My head was pounding and I was craving anything. My dreams reminded me of cartoons where they have people stranded on a desert island and start showing them having food hallucinations. Things in my dreams were just randomly becoming food and I was eating it all. At one point, I did manage to bring my conscience into the dream. I was at the beach and was hungry. Standing there, being tempted by the fried dough, french fries, Italian sausage and myriad of other boardwalk foods, I sent a message out on Facebook. "Anyone near the beach have a juicer?" Even in my starving dream, I remembered I needed to juice. I received a text from my wife, "On my way...with chicken!" I don't think I could have ever loved her more than in that one moment in my dream.
Most of day 3 went by in a blur after that. I made the same recipe I had had for lunch on day 2, only without the oranges for my lunch. I had the remnants of my wife's "green lemonade" (yes, more kale) and headed off for work. One of my coworkers ordered Chinese towards the end of the day and I almost cried. Went home, made a new concoction of kale, carrots, apples, grapes and ginger for dinner and this time it wasn't so bad. I had enough sweet items to make most of the kale. It was still there. It's always there. But it was bearable.
Day 4:
This was today. Now I'm starting to feel the effects of the "detox" phase of juicing. I feel like I've taken a bunch of niacin and I'm feeling...lighter. I've lost a total of about 7 lbs so far, and the cravings have died down for the most part. My headache from lack of caffeine seems to be gone, and I am able to function a little better.
I did have an episode this afternoon when pizza was bought for my department. This pizza was from one of the best places in the city, and while people walked around handing it out, they realized I couldn't have any and tried to apologize. I grabbed a slice and put it on my desk with every intention of eating it...then I thought a moment. I have been without any solid food since Sunday night. What would a slice of pizza do to me at this point? I managed to stare down what would have very likely been the best tasting piece of pizza I would ever eat, and pass it on to one of my coworkers...untouched. I'm shocked at my willpower in the extent that I still haven't eaten anything. Although, at this point it is more out of fear than out of any real desire to lose weight or prove something to myself.
Anyway, now that day 4 is in the books and I have started out doing ok. I am going to try to start blogging about this further. Currently I have lost a total of 7 lbs in 4 days. I am expecting this to taper off, especially now that the initial water weight phase has completed. This was initially going to be a 30 day fast. I would still like to shoot for 30 days, but I'm going to reassess after 10, just to make sure I'm being somewhat healthy. I'll keep you all posted.
You might be asking yourself why I am suddenly writing about the alignment of produce. You might also be asking yourself what an alignment is(if you don't know, you might be on the wrong blog). The reason I am suddenly discussing this is because I am just finishing up day 4 of a juice fast. This is something my wife has done in the past and wanted to do again. So, to support her in this, we bought a juicer...then I agreed to join her in boycotting chewing things.
A bit of back story on me: I am not what I would call "fat" but I am not exactly as slim as I would like to be. Laziness and a penchant for fried, extremely tasty foods have left me with more pounds than I really know what to do with, I have been drinking a steady stream of mountain dew for the last 13 years or so, and I really enjoy bacon and everything you only find when fair season comes around.
I have had no preparation for this endeavor. I did no homework. I watched no documentaries. You can count all the fucks I give about spirituality through fasting on zero hands. I am strictly doing this to support my wife and so I don't have to buy new pants.
Let's go through this day by day.
Day 1:
Woke up in the morning and finished the last can of Mt Dew I had remaining in my house. Attempted to postpone my fate by saying "we also need to eat all of the remaining nacho chips and guacamole that is sitting in the fridge." That didn't work. Currently I have an unopened bag of Santita's sitting on my counter. Mocking me.
Then, we went to the store. Got a whole bunch of stuff we thought we would like, or knew that we needed. Then went home and ran the juicer for the first time. Now, this is not a top of the line juicer. This was the least expensive one we could find that had decent reviews. I'm actually pretty surprised at how well this thing performs. We prepped our vegetables and ran the ingredients through the extremely loud, miniature jet engine that now resides on our counter. Celery, carrots, ginger, apples, half a lemon, and my nemesis. This was my first experience with the green menace. I want to be able to tell you all that it wasn't as bad as I expected. I want to be able to tell you that the juice was surprisingly tasty. Those would both be bold faced lies, and I feel that you deserve better.
The kale was overbearing, the apples didn't sweeten it up enough, the carrots were lost beneath the ginger. All I could taste was kale and I wanted to die. We choked it down and later on in the day we tried another recipe for swamp water which was slightly more bearable. I had a pretty crazy headache at the end of the day because I had been replacing my normal caffeine intake with stuff like water...and health. Other than the headache, I felt pretty good. I was ready to try new things and blah blah blah.
Also, at the end of the day, I was able to walk into the grocery store, buy a cart full of produce, and go home without having any type of snack fall into the cart. This was a good start for me.
Day 2:
OH. MY. GOD. I. WANT. FOOD.
That's my entire thought process for most of day 2. If any of you decide to try this, avoid anything on TV or radio or movies until you get past this phase, because everything you see will make you want that food RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
Day 2 is where I didn't just get to stay at home with the support of my wife. Day 2 was the day I went to work. I work in an office. My office building has a wonderful little cafe on the first floor that will make wonderful things such as fried shepherd's pie. Also, I work in an office where apparently people can't go for more than 10 minutes without cramming something into their face hole.
All day long I was bombarded by the scents of all of those things I couldn't have...basically anything that requires teeth. Also, my headache came back with a vengeance. A few Advil took care of it, but it wasn't pretty.
In the morning my wife attempted a grapefruit and carrot juice that she enjoys. I took a sip and almost started wishing for kale. It's not because I enjoy the taste of kale more than grapefruit, it's just that grapefruit unlocks the secret bitter taste buds that don't really appear for me in any other food I eat. To me, grapefruit is a Mjolnir of bitterness to the face.
I choked down a glass of the stuff and created my own lunch combo. It ended up being blueberries, grape, apple and orange. This was tasty as hell and I enjoyed it at work that day. It allowed me to make it through the rest of the afternoon and get home to something called "Mean Green". I won't go into detail here because juicers love this drink. It is in every juice blog, and every juice recipe book. What I will say to the non-juicers is: Stay the fuck away from mean green.
Day 3:
That morning I woke up after having food dreams. My head was pounding and I was craving anything. My dreams reminded me of cartoons where they have people stranded on a desert island and start showing them having food hallucinations. Things in my dreams were just randomly becoming food and I was eating it all. At one point, I did manage to bring my conscience into the dream. I was at the beach and was hungry. Standing there, being tempted by the fried dough, french fries, Italian sausage and myriad of other boardwalk foods, I sent a message out on Facebook. "Anyone near the beach have a juicer?" Even in my starving dream, I remembered I needed to juice. I received a text from my wife, "On my way...with chicken!" I don't think I could have ever loved her more than in that one moment in my dream.
Most of day 3 went by in a blur after that. I made the same recipe I had had for lunch on day 2, only without the oranges for my lunch. I had the remnants of my wife's "green lemonade" (yes, more kale) and headed off for work. One of my coworkers ordered Chinese towards the end of the day and I almost cried. Went home, made a new concoction of kale, carrots, apples, grapes and ginger for dinner and this time it wasn't so bad. I had enough sweet items to make most of the kale. It was still there. It's always there. But it was bearable.
Day 4:
This was today. Now I'm starting to feel the effects of the "detox" phase of juicing. I feel like I've taken a bunch of niacin and I'm feeling...lighter. I've lost a total of about 7 lbs so far, and the cravings have died down for the most part. My headache from lack of caffeine seems to be gone, and I am able to function a little better.
I did have an episode this afternoon when pizza was bought for my department. This pizza was from one of the best places in the city, and while people walked around handing it out, they realized I couldn't have any and tried to apologize. I grabbed a slice and put it on my desk with every intention of eating it...then I thought a moment. I have been without any solid food since Sunday night. What would a slice of pizza do to me at this point? I managed to stare down what would have very likely been the best tasting piece of pizza I would ever eat, and pass it on to one of my coworkers...untouched. I'm shocked at my willpower in the extent that I still haven't eaten anything. Although, at this point it is more out of fear than out of any real desire to lose weight or prove something to myself.
Anyway, now that day 4 is in the books and I have started out doing ok. I am going to try to start blogging about this further. Currently I have lost a total of 7 lbs in 4 days. I am expecting this to taper off, especially now that the initial water weight phase has completed. This was initially going to be a 30 day fast. I would still like to shoot for 30 days, but I'm going to reassess after 10, just to make sure I'm being somewhat healthy. I'll keep you all posted.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday Night Magic
I suppose I should start this post with a bit of history. I have what I would call an addictive personality. Not to drugs or alcohol, but to other diversions. I guess I would call myself addicted to competition. When I find something I really enjoy, I put all of my energy into being the best I can be.
I first noticed this trait when I was in college. My roommate introduced me to a game called Ultima Online. For those of you who don't know what this game is, it's an MMORPG that was popular back when IRC and webrings were new and exciting. I would sit in my dorm room and play this game for hours. It wasn't unusual for me to go days at a time without sleep in a vain attempt to guard sigils for my faction. When I left school, and with it my T1 line, I returned home to dial up and wasn't exactly competitive anymore. It didn't take long for me to find a new diversion.
The summer after college, my friends introduced me to a game I had scoffed at while in HS. I had spend most of my lunches laughing at the group of kids sitting in a small group in the corner of the cafeteria with decks of cards blissfully trading and playing, immune to the ridicule of the masses. My first game of Magic: The Gathering took place at the large wooden table in a smoky kitchen. I managed to win the group game with a terrible mono-green deck that had been haphazardly thrown together so I would have something easy to play. From that first win, I was hooked.
I spent more than I could afford on buying boxes of a brand new set called "Mirrodin" and watched as I acquired a fairly decent collection. I built decks to beat my friends, using whatever cards we had lying around. Then when my friends weren't around, I found my way into my first sanctioned tournament. I lost horribly.
So I spent more time and money. I did research. I traded. I entered more tournaments. I lost just as much. One day, something clicked for me and I started winning. Whether it was pure luck or my seemingly thrown together style that led me to win, it didn't really matter. Now I wanted to win more.
I started finding bigger and better places to play and at my peak, I was playing in store that I was also working at for store credit. All my friends were there, and we were all there every day. MTG was all we really talked about and I'm fairly sure it's all I thought about.
Then the other shoe dropped. The shop we had called home decided to close, and the owners left to live in the arid desert that does everything it can to kill you...or your go kart. (I'm actually still sorry about that)
So with my diversions gone, and at least one relationship destroyed because of them...I moved on. Sold my cards, and vowed never to play again.
Instead, I found a shiny NEW distraction to help me kill some time: World of Warcraft.
I spent years playing this game. Starting low, role playing my way to pass the time during the low levels. Then I found a character I loved playing and I got him leveled and geared for raiding. Yet again, I was hooked. After a few years, I had leveled a handful of character to fill any possible raiding position and was well recognized in certain high end circles.
The downfall of WoW for me was the day I got a job. I no longer had the time to invest in my hobby.
So for the last year or so, I've been looking for things to do with my spare time.
My girlfriend can spend her nights chatting with her blog friends and listen to the drama that is ALWAYS involved in the indie make-up scene.
My friday nights are going to be my attempt to break back in to a former addiction. My local comic store runs an FNM Draft night every friday. The prospect of this actually terrifies me. If I'm terrible, then I don't have much fun and I'd be wasting my time. If I win, then I'll be sorely tempted to keep coming and eventually branch out from a limited, casual, battle of wits to a constructed tournament. Constructed Tournaments bring out the worst in me. I spend more than I can afford to play a game I'm probably going to lose.
For now, I've simply got to take it slow and hope for the best. And of course, keep it drama free.
I first noticed this trait when I was in college. My roommate introduced me to a game called Ultima Online. For those of you who don't know what this game is, it's an MMORPG that was popular back when IRC and webrings were new and exciting. I would sit in my dorm room and play this game for hours. It wasn't unusual for me to go days at a time without sleep in a vain attempt to guard sigils for my faction. When I left school, and with it my T1 line, I returned home to dial up and wasn't exactly competitive anymore. It didn't take long for me to find a new diversion.
The summer after college, my friends introduced me to a game I had scoffed at while in HS. I had spend most of my lunches laughing at the group of kids sitting in a small group in the corner of the cafeteria with decks of cards blissfully trading and playing, immune to the ridicule of the masses. My first game of Magic: The Gathering took place at the large wooden table in a smoky kitchen. I managed to win the group game with a terrible mono-green deck that had been haphazardly thrown together so I would have something easy to play. From that first win, I was hooked.
I spent more than I could afford on buying boxes of a brand new set called "Mirrodin" and watched as I acquired a fairly decent collection. I built decks to beat my friends, using whatever cards we had lying around. Then when my friends weren't around, I found my way into my first sanctioned tournament. I lost horribly.
So I spent more time and money. I did research. I traded. I entered more tournaments. I lost just as much. One day, something clicked for me and I started winning. Whether it was pure luck or my seemingly thrown together style that led me to win, it didn't really matter. Now I wanted to win more.
I started finding bigger and better places to play and at my peak, I was playing in store that I was also working at for store credit. All my friends were there, and we were all there every day. MTG was all we really talked about and I'm fairly sure it's all I thought about.
Then the other shoe dropped. The shop we had called home decided to close, and the owners left to live in the arid desert that does everything it can to kill you...or your go kart. (I'm actually still sorry about that)
So with my diversions gone, and at least one relationship destroyed because of them...I moved on. Sold my cards, and vowed never to play again.
Instead, I found a shiny NEW distraction to help me kill some time: World of Warcraft.
I spent years playing this game. Starting low, role playing my way to pass the time during the low levels. Then I found a character I loved playing and I got him leveled and geared for raiding. Yet again, I was hooked. After a few years, I had leveled a handful of character to fill any possible raiding position and was well recognized in certain high end circles.
The downfall of WoW for me was the day I got a job. I no longer had the time to invest in my hobby.
So for the last year or so, I've been looking for things to do with my spare time.
My girlfriend can spend her nights chatting with her blog friends and listen to the drama that is ALWAYS involved in the indie make-up scene.
My friday nights are going to be my attempt to break back in to a former addiction. My local comic store runs an FNM Draft night every friday. The prospect of this actually terrifies me. If I'm terrible, then I don't have much fun and I'd be wasting my time. If I win, then I'll be sorely tempted to keep coming and eventually branch out from a limited, casual, battle of wits to a constructed tournament. Constructed Tournaments bring out the worst in me. I spend more than I can afford to play a game I'm probably going to lose.
For now, I've simply got to take it slow and hope for the best. And of course, keep it drama free.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Comic Book Men
Kevin Smith is a legend. Normally I love most things he
does. I'm a fan of his movies. I love his comics. When he talks, I normally
listen. That's why I'm so disappointed by Comic Book Men, his new series on AMC.
I watched the first 2 episodes and was thoroughly unimpressed. A man as creative as Smith raises the expectations quite a bit. I wanted to enjoy this series. I was looking forward to it. I had set aside space on my DVR for this. Unfortunately, as much as I enjoy comics and all things collectible, this show seemed to be a cheap knock off. Comic Book Men is the television equivalent to buying an Aquaman action figure; not only is Aquaman a rip off of Namor the Sub-Mariner, but the strongest emotion either character elicits is apathy.
The episodes I saw could have just as easily been episodes of Pawn Stars. Just like the history channel's show about a store, there were never any actual customers coming in to buy anything. Instead, there was a seemingly endless stream of people coming in to sell marginally interesting pieces of comic history. Then the shop owner was called to negotiate with the guy. Sometimes an "expert" was called in to give their two cents.
The only difference between Pawn Stars and Comic Book Men, is that the actual negotiations are regularly interrupted by the cast sitting around a table with Kevin Smith (who hasn't actually appeared in the store) to record a podcast that talks about the goings on of the comic book store. I'm watching video of what's going on in the store...do I really need to be shown reaction shots of Kevin while basically hearing the radio broadcast?
Like Smith's other attempts to break into television, I don't see this series lasting very long.
I watched the first 2 episodes and was thoroughly unimpressed. A man as creative as Smith raises the expectations quite a bit. I wanted to enjoy this series. I was looking forward to it. I had set aside space on my DVR for this. Unfortunately, as much as I enjoy comics and all things collectible, this show seemed to be a cheap knock off. Comic Book Men is the television equivalent to buying an Aquaman action figure; not only is Aquaman a rip off of Namor the Sub-Mariner, but the strongest emotion either character elicits is apathy.
The episodes I saw could have just as easily been episodes of Pawn Stars. Just like the history channel's show about a store, there were never any actual customers coming in to buy anything. Instead, there was a seemingly endless stream of people coming in to sell marginally interesting pieces of comic history. Then the shop owner was called to negotiate with the guy. Sometimes an "expert" was called in to give their two cents.
The only difference between Pawn Stars and Comic Book Men, is that the actual negotiations are regularly interrupted by the cast sitting around a table with Kevin Smith (who hasn't actually appeared in the store) to record a podcast that talks about the goings on of the comic book store. I'm watching video of what's going on in the store...do I really need to be shown reaction shots of Kevin while basically hearing the radio broadcast?
Like Smith's other attempts to break into television, I don't see this series lasting very long.
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